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Thursday, January 17, 2013

Entry 13: Turn around, schmurn around

Well, for a variety of reasons I've been a bit down lately and haven't felt like maintaining the blog. My will seems to have gone on a little vaca -

Honestly, I've been killing myself for months now (over a year really)  working almost non stop and trying to get towards a place where I'm able to focus mainly on work and be able to spend more time painting than having to struggle with ridiculously simple, fixable problems that are out of my control and dependant on other people. After everything I've been thru, I keep wishing things, that are dependant on other people, would get done and make my load a little easier to carry. But instead, I've been out of mind and depressed trying to understand why a couple small projects, that could help improve my life and make everyone's work easier, aren't getting done. I just keep shaking my head. Makes absolutely no sense at all.

A few years ago, when I was taking martial arts, I broke the ring finger on my left hand in a match. It snapped in 5 places and was pushed down into the trunk of my hand. Bc the injury was so disgusting, my instructor refused to help pull my finger out of it's compressed state so I did the deed. The next night, my instructor decided I should take advantage of the situation and ordered me to stop using  either of my hands at all in the (fight) ring. So while my (younger, thinner and more experienced) opponents were coming at me with both hands and feet I had to figure out how to "make it work"  using my fat little legs - I went on to train/fight for the next few months with my hand(s) and arm(s) tied behind my back.

About 6 months after the injury healed, I had a fight/match with a much bigger opponent who beat me blind and almost unconscious in the ring. At that, I placed 2nd in my first national championship. Deflated and badly injured again, something in me shifted and I never allowed myself to accept coming in 2nd place again. I trained myself silly 7 days a week, 365 days a year to make sure I won every fight.

Although I've been working my tail off to get myself where I am today, I'm feeling really stupid and naive for being hopeful about my work and my life. Not sure how much longer I can sit and wait for that big turn around moment to happen again - that magical moment when my hands are freed up to do whatever needs to be done to make progress. Normally it'd be a luxury for me to stop pushing myself for even a day but I've lost some of my mojo - trying to turn things around.

Anyway - I'm working on several new paintings including "Apple, scooter, brother, sister". About 75% done:

The basic layout using aerosols and stencils.
Adding shapes and figures using acrylics and aerosols.
Cutting in and filing in shapes with oils.

Starting to work on the background - adding more yellows, yellow/white and teal leaves and grass.

Sharpening up the scooter handles with red - making them pop. Since this pic, I've added reds to the background as well.

Some of my favorite things to paint: hand, face and apple against abstract shapes.

Having a think.


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