Entry 77: I'm coming out

OR Part II of: I'm turning 50, please kill me

 

Being a woman isn't working out particularly well for me so I think I want to be a bad boy now.

 

Will be transitioning to a 50 year old, (female) bad boy because being a brooding dick gets you much further in life than being a woman who's willing to work with people. Being accommodating and grateful only garners a few eye rolls while being a bad boy makes you seem exotic and unattainable, out of reach, and so people feel they have to have you. Being a blahzay bad boy is dark and dangerous, makes you seem cool and broken and desirable. When you're a blahzay bad boy people go out of their way to pamper you and make you happy and try to prove to you you really are good and grateful underneath all that badness. That's what I want now - that bad boy affect people are drawn to. Jeremy Jordan's character Jimmy Collins on Smash is the perfect example of the extents people will go to for bad boys. He rejects, they throw themselves at him. He out right insults people and refuses their efforts and they work even harder to work with him....bad boy really is the only way to go.

 

 

Yeaaaah, I think I'm going to rebrand myself as an unattainable, unreliable, chain smoking, drug fueled, angry, lush of a bad boy. I already have tons of experience in the addiction lifestyle so why not? I can be a 50 year old, female, bad boy if I want...can't I?

I think so - it's my birthday...I can be anything I want.

I can be an astronaut or a cowboy or drag queen or the lead singer of the Neon Trees if I please. But I think I want to be an ill tempered l'enfant terrible and intensely frigid and full of vinegar.

I will have to faire du morose.

And faire le art in leather.

  

 

I'll have to come up with some super cool rebranding name like:

Max Angry Playah or Sir Shitz-a-lot or Blahhh Zay or Bukowski.

I'll be brooding and messy and mildly productive.

I will never raise my arms and giggle in excitement over a project -

bad boys don't pop with joy.

Bad boys are ambivalent -

because they have no doubt they are at the core of everything interesting.

 

I'll copy famous artist's ideas and pretend they're mine and people will adore me for it.

I'll go to parties and popular artist's openings

and talk to people about what a genius loner and angry, tortured soul I am.

I'll drink Red Bull and wear skinny jeans.

 

 

I'll quote Dorothy Parker.

 

As my new bad boy me, I'll have to learn to take everything for granted and blow off opportunities and spit at well groomed dogs.

 I'll act like everything is a bore and get stoned just so I can be the most ambivalent me possible. 

I will be brusque.

I'll show deep disgust for success and fawn over my knowledge of artists from the '80s

 and chew gum with my mouth open.

 

 

Look at those stone cold eyes....
the new me says:
"Get me a steak (rare), a whiskey, a smoke and chocolate cake you apple cheeked, goody two shoes. Bettah run - yah mama is callin' (smoker's choked snicker here)"

 

 I'll have to get a motorcycle. 

And whiskey. I love whiskey.

And Vicodin. I love Vicodin.

And cigarettes.

I'll have to have one dangling out of my mouth all the time which will make me look even badder. I haven't had a cigarette in several years but I think it's time I start smoking myself silly - especially if I'm going to rebrand myself as a dick in time for my birthday.

 

Oh, and I'll have to carry a gun

 and have my boobs removed

and find an ironic bad boy hobby like bird watching.

Maybe I'll even sport lipstick.

 

. 

Angry, petulant, I don't give a shit Beck.

I think that's the way to go from now on - choleric, cynical, sullen.

 

I'll grow a beard.

And braid it.

 

 That's it, decision made -

 for my birthday, I'm comin' out as: 

"Bad Boy Beck"

F yeah.

 

That'll definitely make me cool -

because turning 50 does not.

 

 

 

As my new bad boy me, I will never (under any circumstances) wear a boa or dance in spandax

- not even in New York in June. That's how bad ass I am.

 

 *P.S. Nothing and no one in particular brought this Bad Boy idea on - I'm simply having a meltdown over I'm turning 50 and not reaching my goals as planned.