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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Entry 77: I'm coming out

OR Part II of: I'm turning 50, please kill me
Being a woman isn't working out particularly well for me so I think I want to be a bad boy now.
Will be transitioning to a 50 year old, (female) bad boy because being a brooding dick gets you much further in life than being a woman who's willing to work with people. Being accommodating and grateful only garners a few eye rolls while being a bad boy makes you seem exotic and unattainable, out of reach, and so people feel they have to have you. Being a blahzay bad boy is dark and dangerous, makes you seem cool and broken and desirable. When you're a blahzay bad boy people go out of their way to pamper you and make you happy and try to prove to you you really are good and grateful underneath all that badness. That's what I want now - that bad boy affect people are drawn to. Jeremy Jordan's character Jimmy Collins on Smash is the perfect example of the extents people will go to for bad boys. He rejects, they throw themselves at him. He out right insults people and refuses their efforts and they work even harder to work with him....bad boy really is the only way to go.
Yeaaaah, I think I'm going to rebrand myself as an unattainable, unreliable, chain smoking, drug fueled, angry, lush of a bad boy. I already have tons of experience in the addiction lifestyle so why not? I can be a 50 year old, female, bad boy if I want...can't I?
I think so - it's my birthday...I can be anything I want.
I can be an astronaut or a cowboy or drag queen or the lead singer of the Neon Trees if I please. But I think I want to be an ill tempered l'enfant terrible and intensely frigid and full of vinegar.
I will have to faire du morose.
And faire le art in leather.
I'll have to come up with some super cool rebranding name like:
Max Angry Playah or Sir Shitz-a-lot or Blahhh Zay or Bukowski.
I'll be brooding and messy and mildly productive.
I will never raise my arms and giggle in excitement over a project -
bad boys don't pop with joy.
Bad boys are ambivalent -
because they have no doubt they are at the core of everything interesting.
I'll copy famous artist's ideas and pretend they're mine and people will adore me for it.
I'll go to parties and popular artist's openings
and talk to people about what a genius loner and angry, tortured soul I am.
I'll drink Red Bull and wear skinny jeans.
I'll quote Dorothy Parker.
As my new bad boy me, I'll have to learn to take everything for granted and blow off opportunities and spit at well groomed dogs.
 I'll act like everything is a bore and get stoned just so I can be the most ambivalent me possible. 
I will be brusque.
I'll show deep disgust for success and fawn over my knowledge of artists from the '80s
 and chew gum with my mouth open.
Look at those stone cold eyes....
the new me says:
"Get me a steak (rare), a whiskey, a smoke and chocolate cake you apple cheeked, goody two shoes. Bettah run - yah mama is callin' (smoker's choked snicker here)"
 I'll have to get a motorcycle. 
And whiskey. I love whiskey.
And Vicodin. I love Vicodin.
And cigarettes.
I'll have to have one dangling out of my mouth all the time which will make me look even badder. I haven't had a cigarette in several years but I think it's time I start smoking myself silly - especially if I'm going to rebrand myself as a dick in time for my birthday.
Oh, and I'll have to carry a gun
 and have my boobs removed
and find an ironic bad boy hobby like bird watching.
Maybe I'll even sport lipstick.
Angry, petulant, I don't give a shit Beck.
I think that's the way to go from now on - choleric, cynical, sullen.
I'll grow a beard.
And braid it.
 That's it, decision made -
 for my birthday, I'm comin' out as: 
"Bad Boy Beck"
F yeah.
That'll definitely make me cool -
because turning 50 does not.
As my new bad boy me, I will never (under any circumstances) wear a boa or dance in spandax
- not even in New York in June. That's how bad ass I am.

 *P.S. Nothing and no one in particular brought this Bad Boy idea on - I'm simply having a meltdown over I'm turning 50 and not reaching my goals as planned.


  1. I found this wonderful blog and have joined my first one ever! I have wondered on many occasion what the big deal is about blogs, have found most to be so extremely boring... So, how did I get here??? Recovering from a hysterectomy and laughed so hard after reading this entry. I have joked for years that had I been born with a penis I'd have hit the jackpot of life. So much easier passes at every turn. I'm still getting in the penis line in my next life, just happy as all get out that I've finally come across an amazing artist, with a killer sense of humor and a very tender heart. Ms. Lane, I thank you. You've made recovery so much easier...

  2. Diane - thank you SO MUCH for that comment!!!!!! I spend most of my time alone and use the blog to help me sort things out. There are some pretty depressing posts in there and then some super cocky essays too but I try to make it into something that's not only constructive and therapeutic for me but entertaining, helpful and engaging for other people too. Luckily I seem to have hit the right tone - even on my worst days, when I can't think my way thru the situation at hand, I'll get up to 100 readers a day. As of this morning I have almost 5,000 views (and over 3,000 on Youtube - add in all the other online stuff I do and I have about 1,100 followers)- that blows me away considering I just started doing online work about 4 months ago.

  3. Yeh, like you, I honestly believe if I'd been born with a penis I would be a much bigger (famous, sought after, etc) artist than I am right now. I hear from people all day everyday, from all around the world, in every age group, race, financial background, country, etc how much they like my work. Everyday people write me frustrated bc my work isn't out there and available - it could be but I keep meeting up with curators, galleries and possible reps who just can't be bothered to promote and sell me. It makes NO sense bc I'm a machine - I know what we could be doing. I know how big this could become but none of the reps/agents/curators I've met can be bothered to put any effort into doing actual rep work. They take my work and then pretend I'm invisible. It's just F-ing bizarre. I had 3 one man shows last year that should have/could have put me thru the roof but the curators just couldn't be bothered to make an effort. One even had the nerve to tell me "I'm not promoting your work bc no one wants it any way". That was my best friend at the time. I cannot imagine a man, with my abilities, being treated with so little regard and disrespect.

    Oh, do I have stories Diane.....I really need to find rep/agent who knows the ropes and is SMART enough to help drive this train.

    Hey hang in there Diane - I had a hysterectomy 10 years ago. Exercise, eat right and give your body a break from now on.

  4. Thank you so much and I LuV your work, so much energy and excitement! I dabble a bit and have recently pulled out all my art supplies - I am the tender age of 53 :D And, you'll laugh when I share this with you...I am an ER/Trauma nurse, serving my country, officially I am Major Cox! Gotta love that, made rank last December, what a hoot. I digress.

    I started out pursuing a degree in art, figured I'd starve for sure and went medical instead. Have always looked over my shoulder at that decision. Being military though I have traveled the world, lived in Europe, dragged my husband to every art gallery/museum I could find. I love art, it heals the soul.

    I truly admire your raw courage. I want to learn more! I so appreciate your videos, surely you can see me squinting at every detail when you share the stages of your lovely creations - lol! Thank you for sharing all of you. Surely your Karma will come full circle and you will enjoy the success you deserve. Your art is amazing!

    On a side note - I howled when I read your post about turning 50, hilarious! And I agree, Madonna needs to keep her nickers on.


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  6. Dear Major Cox,

    You have the best name in the whole world ever...ever.

    I am so glad you like what I'm doing online - please do me a favor and spread me around.....(I want to get to be really famous so I can be really nice to the people who have been nice to me, support and help ppl who have supported and helped, me BUT MOST OF ALL: I want to have the opportunity be a gigantic turd to people who misused me and my work. I want to be in a position where in I'm be able to tell a number of people, in a very public way, to go F#@K themselves - it would make me giddy to be able to say to people who have been deeply disrespectful of me and my work to choke on their own d*cks.... and have my people say "oh, that's just Beck being Beck. And besides dude, from what I hear, you really deserve to be Beck slapped.")

    So , PLEASE spread the word - I promise I will do my best to make you laugh...and feel vindicated.


    P.S. "Major Cox" - that's so awesome.