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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Entry 2: Jan. 2, 2013 Ali vs Dickens

This is where I get braggy -

As I was making the long hike from the bus that runs closest to my studio on Sundays and holidays to my studio in Pawtcuket, an old mill town just outside Providence RI, yesterday morning, and was wondering exactly what other people do in this position. I've been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to make myself into something valuable and, to me, that means attacking everyday like a fighter in training. That means getting up everyday with my to do list and pushing myself to make sure I accomplish everything that needs to be done to get my sad old self to the studio to accomplish the one thing I've wanted my entire life and been given the opportunity to do...paint. No matter the weather, mo matter how I feel, no matter what my my financial circumstance is, the lack of heat in my studio, the lack of food or comfort, no matter what the monsters in my head are telling me - I cannot stop the overwhelming need I have to get to the studio, work and prevent myself from wasting time on anything that won't propel me even a tiny bit further forward in my goals. Laziness, in the face of an opportunity, is not an option and laziness (to me) means: not doing the absolute best I can everyday.

6 miles yesterday. That's what I had to walk to get myself to and from the unheated studio yesterday. (Lucky the buses were running....that would have been an obsessively myopic, all day hike otherwise). 3 miles from the bus to the studio at the beginning of the day,  3 miles at the end. But, because I believe in over training, I walked an extra 2 miles just to keep myself in a hightened fighting for what I want mode. (I'm not that much of an idiot/crazy person - honestly, if my truck were running, I'd just drive there but since I'm stuck without a vehicle, I'm taking the opportunity to strengthen my heart and mind and strengthening the commitment to my goals....that's what i keep telling myself while I'm trudging in the cold even though being able to drive to the studio would be my first choice).

It all seems either looney. To make matters worse, walking isn't that easy for me- I have an illness called RSD/CRPS, I can't always feel my feet or legs, or my legs won't bend or I feel too much and the pain is excruciating. Most days, moving any part of my body is an incredibly painful experience. Every inch of skin on my body BURNS all the time, the feeling of any fabric on my skin hurts to the point of nausea, my hands are in various stages of numb, my arms feel like they've been flaid, I have mini seizures and my spine is a constant source of torture. But there we are, I can either lay down or take this one great opportunity I've been given with Eden Fine Art and work every single day. Or something like that anyway -

Confession: a few weeks ago I was feeling really down and so, for the 2nd time this year, I decided to take the day, go grocery shopping, spend time with my Bugsy, clean the apartment and, at the end, as a reward for all my hard work - I went to a movie. The 2nd movie this year. But because I really hadn't earned the right to do anything frivolous ( and it was a totally frivolous thing to do) I can't stop feeling guilty. Thankfully, or maybe even worse bc it was a complete waste of time, the movie was somewhere between bad and mediocre. An entire day lost to a useless,  mediocre event - my punishment for not working. The guilt forced me to go home and finish two projects that have been sitting by the wayside for a couple months - I organized my son's photo albums and cleaned my apartment. Punishment and progress - my favorites.

Okay, off we go. Time to get myself in fighting mode and make the hour to two hour long trip to my studio - 7 miles away. Missing the convenience of my truck...missing taking Bugsy to the studio even more. Miss having him with me all day. Little poopy pants.

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