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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Entry 34: Not where I want/NEED to be.

I'm coming up on a milestone birthday in a couple months and I'm pretty peeved . I've been planning for this coming year for over 5 years and been working diligently to make my plans into reality for the last three. However, because of circumstances waaaaaaaay beyond my control, I'm not where I planned to be and I have no idea how to get things to change. At this point, I am terrified of having lived an unrealized life.

This year, I turn 50. It's inconceivable that so much time in my life has floated by without me being more aware. I've spent most of my life floating from one unwanted birthday to the next without much of a plan or idea of how to make this a great life (or even a good one, worth while one) even though I carried a sincere heartfelt hope that things would somehow magically improve.



It cannot be true that I am going to be 50. It absolutely cannot be right. But, no matter how shocking it is to be turning this corner, I can't stop  the undeniable fact that I can audibly here the clock ticking. It's counting down to the day, it's counting down every second of every day over the last 49 years that I didn't realize I had lost. The clock's ticking and clicking off every opportunity I didn't know how to take advantage of. It's counting my losses and all the advances I'm not making. I feel my life (or the first 45 years of it) has been spent wasting away like one long, ineffectual day off  devoted to avoiding the world and day dreaming. The life clock is ticking, it's 5:00 and I have things to do before bedtime.

To be honest, I never thought I'd live this long - I've had so many injuries, been in so many death defying situations, been so deeply depressed at times and swallowed so many bottles of alcohol and pills it's a little bit of a shock to wake up and see 50 is here.

A few years ago, at 45, I had an idea I might actually make it to a 1/2 century so I started to plan - my family was gone, I had no one invested (or even vaguely interested) in me, my son graduated high school so I had no excuse to stay in my hometown any longer so I made a plan (finally), cleaned out my rental and physically left my home - something I never thought I'd do and something I will never regret. I wanted new, I wanted adventure but most of all I wanted New York so I started working on measures that would help me baby step my way from hometown to the big city with the goal being: I wake up on my 50th year in New York. But here we are. I have two months left and I'm not there.

Maybe that's where I've failed - maybe baby steps aren't enough. Maybe I should have just by passed the shows and classes and goals that were meant to ready my for NY and help me get rid of small town thinking. Maybe I should have just moved there. Maybe, maybe, maybe.....I don't know but the clock is ticking.

THIS is where I need to be all the time.

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