Entry 81: If my life were a movie I would be played by Paul Giammatti

 If my life were a movie I would be played by the actor Paul Giamatti. Or Alan Rickman. Or maybe Tom Hollander but that's only when things are going well and I can manage a smile. Which, unfortunately, isn't very often.

Yah, Paul would be the best choice and not just because he's got the looks but he's also got the ineffectual, ne'er do well character down pat. He knows how to play the guy who always, without fail, falls short. He plays the frustrated rube, the guy who can never get ahead, the idiot with a bright idea. He plays all those things and more with so much accuracy I'd believe Paul is my long lost twin.

Like me, Paul's characters lack swagger. His men are usually some form of angry, gullible, people pleasers who have an expressed talent for falling face first into unwinnable, frustrating situations while people all around him (who are dressed in much nicer shoes and have winning smiles) clink glasses and celebrate being blessed.

If my life were a movie and Paul Giamatti played me, Meg Ryan would have to be my bestest friend. Not the chipper and confident Meg from the 80s and 90s but the frustrated "I can't get a role even when I write myself into the script" Meg Ryan of today. We'd be pals who locked arms in childhood and have been trying to create opportunities ever since. We'd plan things out and eat salad and work together on projects like a couple of over the hill Lucy and Ethels. (Lucy and Ethels who don't necessarily wash everyday.) And, just like Lucy and Ethel, some inconceivable act, far beyond our control, would trip us up and cause things to go horribly wrong every time.

If my life were a movie, Paul and Meg would spend endless hours sitting on his floor, side by side, staring at the wall trying to figure out why and how things always derail. "Why, why, WHYYYYYY didn't this work??? And how, really, HOW is THIS possible???? We did EVERYTHING we were asked to do and more - we did everything. This makes NO sense."

Paul would ask Meg if there is supposed to be some great, grand lesson. He'd look at her, with tears in his eyes, and ask if the situation is supposed to funny and to whom. He'd ask in a low voice, almost a whisper: "what's the fucking point Meg?".

If my life were a movie Paul and Meg would eventually win. They'd reach their goals and success would be the inevitable reward for all their dogged determination and hard work. They would be lifted.

Well, okay - things would not work out that well in a French or Russian film...but if this were an American film someone or something would finally bust thru the mess and allow Paul and Meg to win at some point. Okay, that wouldn't happen in a snarky indie film. But it would happen in an uplifting, 'you can do it!' piece. An arty "Run, fat boy run" type movie co starring Bill Nighy......or Bill Murray.

But this isn't a movie and I don't have a bestest to prop myself up against. There's no one going to the ropes with me and there's no one to help keep the Titanic afloat - so, I write and  think about all the people who have supported me and invested in my dream(s) and goals thru the worst (and the best) of this.



Packing up my studio
and trying not to scream at the top of my lungs.

To see work that's not mired in sadness and my own misery
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HINT: No matter how bad things get, I'm a lot more funner there: http://pinterest.com/pin/199847302187328095/