Entry 76: Warning: this is the most depressing thing ever, ever.

So, I have a big birthday coming up and it's depressing the shit out of me.

I'm turning 50......fifty.

• As in: the age when people stop saying things like "wow, she died before her time".
• As in: nothing left for people to call you BUT "mam".
• As in: having bad knees is just the beginning of even more horrible things.
• As in: your metabolism stops dead, if it hasn't already, and you suddenly realize you will NEVER, EVER win Biggest Loser and so you stop bothering to go go to the gym and pretending you will look 20 (or even 30) again. (P.S. New favorite snack - Little Debbie's chocolate cupcakes rolled in Utz potato chips...... with celery on the side to help clean the palette)
• As in: you will no longer have the opportunity to shock people when you become a grammie because you are, officially, the correct age to be called "Nana".

A few years ago, dismal and completely underwhelmed by my life, I decided to start rebuilding and reworking myself. After going thru tons of on again, off again therapy and attending endless 12 step meetings, I made the decision to really buckle down and make a major push. My mother was gone (killed in freak accident) and I started to feel like "well, I'm next - no time like now to make a change I suppose". At the time I as 42, badly injured from my job, my son was getting ready to leave home, the love of my life was really, REALLY gone and I was done. I had spent a large portion of the prior 42 years either too depressed, too scared, too drunk or too overwhelmed/underwhelmed to get proper footing in life. I barely knew how to breath without some direction. And then one day it dawned on me - I'm 42, a grown up! There's no one left to try to please! I can do anything I want ( or will be able to soon anyway) so I began to devise a focus on plans that would see me thru to 50 and would (hopefully) land me in the middle of a new life, one that I always wanted to be a part of. The world seemed bright and all things appeared possible.

NOTE: The inspiration for this really comes from watching Tyne Daly on Oprah in 1996 after she turned 50. Her passion about her 50 birthday being a turning point in her life and direction was the inspiration for me to change myself and my life around and start down a new path. She shaved her head and marched into it with her head held high - no apologies. But then again, she can be exuberant - she's a star.  She's not a woman who's only been able to enjoy life in spurts and 1/2 assed measures.

My new plan was and has been to reeducate, rebuild and redirect myself so I could hop out of bed on my 50th with blue/teal hair, 75-100 lbs lighter in the middle of my new, highly productive, (even somewhat) successful life in NYC and with a side trip to see the cherry blossoms in DC on my big. super special day. Suffice it to say none of that is happening.

NONE of it.

N...O...N...E...

NOTE: This is where I try not to cry or fall apart.

Instead, I'm sitting in a crappy apartment that's been packed up since last November, in a milk toast neighborhood with nothing to do but wait.......wait for things to either begin or end. I won't get into details about how things got this dismal or why but I will say I have no plans to celebrate my birthday - there was no Christmas celebration (I worked), none for New Year (again, I worked), and almost none for Thanksgiving because I feel I haven't earned the right -  I have not reached my goals. The only thing to celebrate right now is the fact that I still have a roof. Beyond that, in my mind, I have failed - and we do not celebrate failure.

...and so here WE (as in me) are:

...trying to be happy that I get to have Ramen Noodles and celery twice a day while also trying to figure out what I'm going to do next.
After all this time, effort and money I am officially in a situation I refer to as being:

 "a C^NT-NUN-DRUM".
Oh, what to do, what to do.

I can't get into the who's and why's of what's been going horribly wrong or talk about anything specific (especially since it appears I've done everything right, everything that would ensure success from my end). Instead, I'm going to TRY to focus on figuring out where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do, and come up with something that will keep me from throwing in the towel completely.

For most people I've known, turning 50 is a day worth celebrating, full of family and friends and cake and over the hill balloons but that's not happening. First of all I hate parties, I hate get togethers. Second, I am so upset, I just want to crawl under a rock and die. My disappointment, shame and utter dismay are defining my "big" year. If disgust and failure were worth celebrating we'd be having a BIG ass party but I think I'll just lay on the floor, stare at the wall and think about things instead.

On the upside: a very big, VERY significant opportunity came my way this week. Very significant. We shall see what happens next....at some point, this stupid F-ing pendulum has got to swing back up....unless that's exhausted as well.

And the there's this:

 

"Smile like you mean it" - the Killers

P.S. In lieu of flowers and cake on my big day, PLEASE send drugs. 

Or a hit man. 

Thanks.